Sunday, July 30, 2006

7.30.06, Cleanliness is Next To

New book cases, less clutter, Franky Scale: 7. Pho for brunch, farmer's market, fresh flowers. More to come. . .

6 comments:

lefty said...

hi spot, i'm just sitting here on the "sabbath" paying bills online and i found a cd you made in july of 2001 and i'm listening to it so closely that i can't think about bills. i think that should be a good thing but it SUCKS. the songs are awesome and i'm so mad that it took 5 years to hear it. it's funny how perceptions change as we go along. things unimaginable are now real. i'm so sorry i don't comment enough. i have things to say, really. i am in complete awe (not in the "up on a pedestal" way) and deep thought after reading your blogs, especially in the last couple of weeks. how did you make me like tom waits? your brain has always amazed me and i love talking to you but lately the depth of your thoughts makes me think of the movie, phenomenon. i know that's a cheesy comparison but it wouldn't surprise me one bit if you could move a pencil with your mind or "feel" an earthquake coming. sorry...i’m so tangential and not actually commenting on your blog thoughts but they are in the forefront of my mind always. i love you so much spot. i’ll keep the tom waits playing for you. oh, and you know how proud of you i am for the new bookcases and cleanliness. for me, cleanliness is God :-) so are otter pops.

lefty said...

hi spot, i'm just sitting here on the "sabbath" paying bills online and i found a cd you made in july of 2001 and i'm listening to it so closely that i can't think about bills. i think that should be a good thing but it SUCKS. the songs are awesome and i'm so mad that it took 5 years to hear it. it's funny how perceptions change as we go along. things unimaginable are now real. i'm so sorry i don't comment enough. i have things to say, really. i am in complete awe (not in the "up on a pedestal" way) and deep thought after reading your blogs, especially in the last couple of weeks. how did you make me like tom waits? your brain has always amazed me and i love talking to you but lately the depth of your thoughts makes me think of the movie, phenomenon. i know that's a cheesy comparison but it wouldn't surprise me one bit if you could move a pencil with your mind or "feel" an earthquake coming. sorry...i’m so tangential and not actually commenting on your blog thoughts but they are in the forefront of my mind always. i love you so much spot. i’ll keep the tom waits playing for you. oh, and you know how proud of you i am for the new bookcases and cleanliness. for me, cleanliness is God :-) so are otter pops.

tossing salads said...

is this a fill in the blank quiz? i love cleanliness but less clutter is much better. you can always clean. cant always find space to have less clutter. went to 2 different farmers markets yesterday. good day. gave some treats to the nade. she enjoyed them. glad you had a good day thus far. *happy dance*

Slarry said...

Sunday July 30, 2006

Tonight, the moon came out, it was nearly full.
Way down here on earth, I could feel it's pull.
The weight of gravity or just the lure of life,
Made me want to leave my only home tonight.

Now, I'm just wondering how we know where we belong.
Is it in a song that's left behind in a dream I couldn't wake from.
Could I have felt the brush of a soul that's passing on,
Somewhere in between here and gone?

Up above me,
Wayward angels,
A blur of wings and grace.
One for courage,
One for safety,
One for "just in case".

I thought a light went out, but now the candle shines.
I thought my tears wouldn't stop, then I dried my eyes.
And after all of this, the truth that holds me here,
Is that this emptiness is something not to fear.

So, I'll keep wondering how we know where we belong,
After all the journeys made, and the journeys yet to come.
When I feel like giving up instead of going on,
Somewhere in between the here and gone.

--- Mary Chapin Carpenter

THE BUS IS COMING ....

During a particularly emotional day last week, a day when I couldn’t stop thinking of my brother Scott and how the ever approaching end of his life continues to draw near, I became a befuddled mess.
If you are a regular reader of his blog, a member of his family, someone close to, and loves and cares for him as I do-- then Scott’s increased mentioning and writing about his “limited time,” should not come as shocking news. Of course it remains shocking still, sometimes even unreal, but not new.
Which brings me to the reason for this comment-- well, it is long enough to be a commentary, so Mr. Jones will have decide if he wants to publish this. While I was this befuddled mess, distracted; unable to work or sleep, feeling detached from myself--
allowing myself to miss my brother while he is still here with us, this song came to mind. I am, we probably all are-- STUCK “between the here and gone” of this tragic situation.

Thank goodness my friend Kim, took the time to take me aside and offer some wise words of wisdom and concern. She said, “Sheri, the bus is coming whether you look at it or not... You can look the other way, distract yourself with your own fears and issues, but the bus is still coming and not slowing down.” Easy to hear, absolutely not. Did I need to hear it and was it appreciated, absolutely.

I want my brother here; living, alive, teaching, writing, not fatigued or nauseous or in pain-- living out loud all of his goals. He spoke of them just the other day in his blog. His schedule, what he had planned for his life, planned for as long as I can remember. An energetic, focused, disciplined and gentle man, who posses a beautiful and amazing mind and an even more expansive heart. He overwhelms me.

My friend knows how I feel about my brother. She also can relate to my anguish. She has suffered her own losses, equally as horrific and tragic. So as hard as it was to hear, I needed to hear it, internalize it, remain focused on the bus. Remained focused on my brother; his needs, his wishes-- listening and actively participating in this journey, no matter how sad and tragic it is. To her, I offer my heartfelt thanks. I will be forever grateful for your gentle, yet stark reminder.

So when I find myself stuck, “wanting to leave my home tonight,”
running in circles, running in fear-- I will not only hear her words and advise, but also observe how my brother continues to conduct his life. Even when he feels weak and sick to his stomach, he manages to get up and write, to fight and keep searching and researching for ways to let him linger longer and make some sense of this life and possible meaning. Not just for himself, but for all of those who find themselves in this place--
Between the here and gone.

His life is different now, but certainly not less than the life he had planned. You have read his blog- you know what he is up to. But Scott still takes the time for me, to write me emails, ask pertinent questions about my current life choices and remains concerned, involved and interested in me, my life.

The thought of losing my best friend, trying to envision and live in a world without him in it-
scares me and takes me to some dark place that I barely can crawl out of. But how much worse off would I be, how much less of a life would I have, without the privilege of knowing and loving him as I do; enjoying the pleasure of his company, knowing Scott. What a gift.

Which brings me to one final point. So many people call and write me, telling me how wonderful my brother’s blog is, how brilliant he is, or how they can relate to it and how it is making them a better person and having an impact on them. How could it not??? Really.
To them I say “thank you.” Your support means the world to me. Keeps me going and brings me much needed support and comfort. However, from now on, my next comment and question will be, “have you told and expressed this to Scott? Have you emailed him or shown your support by writing on his blog?” What have you done, not just what you are so kindly and graciously thinking and verbally offering? This is not meant to hurt or offend anyone. I, myself, his sister has difficulty writing and expressing the tender feelings of my heart. It is hard and difficult for a myriad of reasons. It can be uncomfortable, intimidating and scary. I’ve learned that people don’t really like talking about death-- myself included. And I know many of you email him personally.
This is just a little encouargement for those of us who sit on the fence, for very valid reasons. Still, I'm inviting you to join us.

All I can tell you, is that it is worth all of that and more. He is dying. The bus is coming. There is no time like the present to express yourself. Whether you are close to him or close to one of those he cares about--- we can all use the support, the kind and unselfish gestures of comfort that only unification and solidarity brings. Time and life are too precious to let some things go. To not take action. He appreciates everything. There is no one more gracious or grateful then my brother. No one more deserving then he. And yet I feel silly saying this, because so many people offer such kind words and comfort. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

If ever you should hide yourself;
your heart, your mind or misplaced fear
from all that I should want to know of you,
Oh, the loss to both of us.
But dare reveal the depths of who you are--
then words are more than words,
they can tell what ears and minds allow
of what it is we share.
- D. Drake ( para )


Someday we all will face death, our own mortality. It will stare us straight in the eye, causing us, and those who we love to suffer and grieve. Really, only Six degrees separates us one from another.

Thank you my brother for allowing me to write what is in my heart and sharing it with you. I know you aren’t big on Angels, as Ms. Carpenter suggests in her song. But more and more frequently I find myself lured away. This song helps me keep my perspective and brings me a modicum of comfort.

So, I will keep holding on and take this journey with you. Who knows what will happen? I only know how much I love you and how much more of life there is still waiting for you. Yes, the bus is coming--
but you will fight, learn, write and hope and teach all the way through. And I promise, even with tear filled eyes and a ache in my heart that hasn’t left me since your diagnosis, that I will stay focused, be strong and be there for you.

With all of my love--
your sister,

Sheri

spacely said...

Spot a 7 wow!!! I think it was the fresh flowers that did it or maybe the new bookcase. Remember who loves you..me

david said...

l
l

Wonderful long meditation by Sheri, and a gentle reminder to write, and I can today, this one, the way I always think is best, just by re-stating what Scott wrote:

New book cases, less clutter, Franky Scale: 7. Pho for brunch, farmer's market, fresh flowers. More to come...


Beautiful! (Ok,Ok, I couldn't help myself, just had to add that last.)


D