Friday, May 26, 2006

5.26.06, This is Bauhaus A.M.

No preparation, no forethought, just thought maybe I'd post something from this morning's cafe, Bauhaus, where I've stopped with my friend Deeker (the Deeker?, Mr. Deeker, Professor Deeker....?) from out of town until Saturday. Twelve ounce drip, laptop, still limping through some Pascal and working more effectively from Althusser (than with Mr. P.) for the ongoing essay the wager of soul is a worth. None of that is really the point. And what the point is....? Hm. In yesterday's comments/posts, the confluence between the Princess post, two days ago, mine of yesterday, and the last four comments came together so smoothly, and David's ever-willing pen hit on something I feel. Now it all reads vaguely fugue-like, circular, coming back into some part of itself but never quite where it started. Into this fugue of sorts I learn my mother is finally making the leap and starting to read the blog--I'd assumed she already was, in fact, she has already been functioning as my Superego in this process: What can I write and still allow my mother to read? I don't have to worry much about sexual innuendo since she won't get any of it; "crass" language I worry about slightly, then I let my Id have its way; emotionally demanding or potentially depressive material is far more sensitive. (Even the simple jokes about chemo and hair loss don't go over well with her, which I understand.) She enters the fray; results we'll follow.

It's still in the a.m. here in Seattle, not much has transpired today, just a mess of pills (the norm), the slow rise from Ambieana, conversations with Deeker about financial affairs--he being one of my friends gifted with that brain part that has the capacity to process money matters, the one I was born without, packing up, heading here to Bauhaus. I'd put the Franky Scale at 8. Why not? It's early in the day still, and I figure I'll keep it mellow the rest of the day. The daily physiology is fairly simple right now, this being Day Four after the IV chemo; this day is often a low point but it's good to note that I have been learning much better with each cycle how to maintain some control over the Various Lovelies: nausea, fevers, fatigue, bowel impaction, clearcutting (joke, this, a joke), and so on. More and more since This Experience started I realize the impact of little things, little pleasures, a series of little pains and what they add up too, little gestures or kindnesses even..... OK, I'll stop boring you here -- & I'll hold my pen until I feel genuine inspiration today, if it comes today.

Peace & love.

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