Friday, November 17, 2006

11.17.06 Friday Slide

Today's the last of a long week for me. Nothing eventful to be marked, save its end, no great ordeals or traumas, no riveting stories — unless you're overly interested in bodily functions and myriad fluids, let's leave that one there — just another name for another bit of time to say a little more has past. Everything seems to continue, and thought the next restaging is a few weeks away, it seems the cancer is moving right along with the time and the gradual diminution of days. Meds keep going, supplements, as well, calls now and then, emails — though I'm slacking there a bit — energy, and the various complications that are what they are and don't need mentioning today.

I do still appreciate the emails, comments, etc. From yesterday, 34DD, thanks and good to hear from you again; TS, I feel all your concern and the love you send and my thoughts are with you though my voice is often disconnectd; Slarry, I always appreciate your willingness to help out and know how genuine it is. Mom is out there somewhere, too, hopefully doing well: if someone could fill me in on today's check up I'd appreciate that. And from a couple of days ago: Jen, I am so sorry we couldn't meet up before your departure. But I hope you're in a better place and things conintue to improve. My thoughts are with you, both of you. Take good care.

My super came up to check out some apartment repairs today. I wasn't in the best form I guess so he asks whether I'm all right, says I look like I might have the flu or something. I thought I had mentioned my "condition" once some time ago, in order to expedite any FedExes that come for me since they're often meds I need, but apparently I hadn't. So for some reason I decided just to tell him, especially as he lives on my floor, he's a good guy, and he does stop by to drop off packages when they show up. (A new sofa in the mail today, a little more comfort for denizens and future guests. . .) Anyway, I told him, "Nah, it's not the flu, I have cancer." And Sam just kind of looked at me, "Jesus, Scott, don't tell me bad news.... What kind of cancer?" It took him a minute to mentally locate the pancreas, and he tells me he's just taking biology right now and has been learning these body parts. He finds it in his mind, then just says "Ah, don't tell me such sad news."

Just straight up, a moment. He didn't know what to say but, like so many of us have learned, if we didn't already know, that's not nearly as important as the sentiment involved. His sincerity was touching. It was just a small real event for the day. I don't know if I should call it a "bright" spot, it did bring some odd relief though. The small human connections.

Today's Franky Scale, related to this event, and seemingly increasing in its import or the degree to which I feel it defines my life right now, is low. Today's been down there, probably a 4 most of the day, though in the last couple of hours there's been some relief. It kind of marks this whole week, a tough one overall. A bit of slide, that.

I wish there were more to pass on, or better to pass on. Maybe with a little more time. Soon it will be thanksgiving, I'll be headed to Zion again, that strange spiritual testing ground of my youth. Family, friends, old places. Memory. Memories. And all the young kids running around in my family providing some sense of future. The travel itself I'm not psyched about, though it's a very manageable trip, still I am looking forward to seeing everyone. So that comes soon. For my friends there I hope you'll be able to stop by — I might not be incredibly mobile there but I should be available.

All right then, just that for a check in today. Thanks again to everybody for the good thoughts, the support, and the love. On we go, for now at least.


P.S. "pho" is soup. No repeat required :)

6 comments:

Daisy / dzd said...

S, I sent you a longer note in email, but I am here, reading and thinking about you daily. glad for the bright spot, whatever form it may take. and as always, try to find your inner calm as you enter the gates of Zion. xoxo.

tossing salads said...

scott, sliding into friday. well that means you have the weekend to rest, rest rest. let nothing stand in the way of gaining strength. especially for the trip to your homeland. so looking forward to being with you. it will be somewhat chaotic but well muzzle them if it gets out of hand. love and good thoughts always with you.

spacely said...

Hey cutie patootie, Mom is getting better for cute little you. She told the doctor,you have to get me better and get me out of here to see my SON!!!(or she'd box his ears) Can't you just hear her. Finally the wee hours of the morning of friday actually the middle of the night. They finally figured it out. She has had pneumonia(how do you spell that?) for 3 weeks. I guess dr hecht was doing an experimental project to see how long an 80 year old women could last with pneumonia. She's probably had it for 2 weeks or more! So they have now dumped her w/ anti-biotics for a day and a half and she will probably get out of the hospital tonight or sunday. Yea!!!!!!!!!! Can't wait to see you. Love your cute butt. Love,crazy me

Slarry said...

On the slippery slope of the sliding cancer scale:

For my brother:
I continue to hate cancer-- actually, more and more everyday.
I hope and wish for better and more restful days for you
as you continue to fight against
the side effects of chemo and the stinking cancer.
Wishing for less pain, less pain, less pain. Always.


We are anxiously awaiting your return to Zion--- hopefully being accompanied
by the disenchanted princess. Kudos.
We have prepared the whole West Wing and up- stairs for you.
Devoid of jumping, yet loving canines-- who have been given another cozy
area to dwell in the house during your stay.

Your warm soaking bath tub with a view of the mountains--
just needs one thing: you in it !!! Candles, music and soaking bath
salts await you. Total privacy and no chaos.

Last week sounded horrible-- and too painful for me to even
conceive. I hope you are given a reprieve from at least part
of what you experienced last week, well, more accurately-- the past seven
and a half months and can enjoy some healthier and stronger moments.

And we also invite Mr. Jones‘s friends to come and visit.
Our home is always open to you and you are always welcome.

Hey, Mr. J.: you can be as mobile as you want and feel up to.
No one is working-- so a plethora of cars are here for the choosing.
Anytime, anywhere and for anything.

I prefer the Mazda-- it has heated seats and keeps your bum toasty. : )

Looking forward to meeting the lovely Ms. K.
Working on getting the “the Nade” stronger so she can enjoy
your visit to the fullest. She sure loves you ....

Let’s just hope that the slide goes upward and you keep striding forward.
You are so strong willed and know who you are. These characteristics I believe
continue to sustain you and give you strength.
Everyone is so excited to see you again.
You are loved and beloved, Mr. J.
Don’t forget your slippers. : )

Sheri

Ah, pho is soup. I'll quit being redundant. : )

lefty said...

my dear spot,

ugh...that 4 hit me in the gut. just to actually see that number in black and white is hard. that sounds so dumb. you are the one who actually has/had the 4. i just ache for you every day. i wear my ipod a lot and i think i've listened to every podcast there ever was dealing with cancer. all of the different npr programs and any pri stories i can find. it was weird to listen to "leroy" while i was working the other day. he said a few things that were verbatim something you had said and i actually had to stop and hold on to something. i thought you were in my head for a second. that sounds weird, i don't know how to explain it. everybody connects with you in their own way. i just felt like you were right there, physically.

i'm cleaning your floor of the house. ding "Next stop, third floor, Scott's house" ding. i'm washing all of the bedding for both rooms so you can do some bed hopping, depending on your comfort level, and making sure "the tub" is ready for soaking.

i am looking forward to seeing you and meeting k so very much. i think your sis, slarry, is just a tad excited too. (as well as the rest of the fam and your pals) just to have you physically here, even in a room far away from anyone soaking in the peace and quiet of zion, will be so great. i wish we could kidnap you. ooooh, i’m probably going to hear about that comment. : ) no, i want for you anything and everything that makes you feel as comfortable as possible, physically and emotionally. we will be the strong ones for you and wait for any instructions about your needs and wants from YOU.

i’d better go finish vacuuming your floor. there will be work between now and thursday so we need to squeeze all that we can into spare moments.
i love you “beyond any measure.” (thank you frankenfurter)

your lefty (as opposed to your righty)

Myage said...

I love the fight in you and the appreciation of little things. I'm thinking about you a lot. Keep us posted in the "helping" department. See you soon in the shadow of the everlasting hills.