Monday, July 10, 2006

7.10.06, Brief Check-In

Perhaps it's a purely psychosomatic issue, with the IV chemo session on for tomorrow, but this evening into tonight I've been feeling increasingly "out of it." More psychological than anything else, I'm sure of that. Still the "reality" of it. This would put me at a flat 6 on the Franky Scale. And in part what felt like a better day earlier, working in a cafe, being in a bookstore for a while, etc., turns downward with increasing nausea. That is definitely psychosomatic — I think I alluded to this earlier with a comment about Pavlov, or dogs, or me as dog, or as Pavlov, in any event starting to feel "sick" even before the needle is in. I can even know this, expect it, even plan for it, so why can't I just make it not happen? With that, a bit of lightness in the head, and at least the illusion that I'll start reading a new book tonight, I better close.


Slarry said...


The anticipation of something horrific and painful, especially as horrid as IV chemo, that not only effects your body as well as the thoughts that enter your mind, and your now knowing, having been through it before--- as someone who cares for you so much, I can only hope that the anticipation is worse than what you are about to go through, again, tomorrow.

It makes my heart ache for you, dear brother-- and wish that I could take this burden, this angst, off of your shoulders and help carry the load. I would do ANYTHING to make this go away.

Please know I'll be thinking of you, as I am thinking of you now. As ee cummings writes in one of his poems: "I carry your heart with me ... with me I carry your heart .... "

So, I'm sitting here, typing away, knowing I am powerless,
in stopping, curing and taking away your pain and worries.
It is so frustrating ... but please know, you never stray far from my thoughts or my heart. I'll be here if you need anything--
I'll be there, in Seattle if that would bring you any comfort.
Whatever you want ... whatever I can do.

Until them, I will continue to try and find some way to be strong and supportive, though most of the time, I am filled with
grief and anger. How could these be of any use to you ...

I hate this cancer, this disease, that steals away your time, your energy, robbing you of the healthy and full, long life you are so deserving of.

Maybe tomorrow will be better .... I can only hope.
Please know I am here for you, willing and ready
to walk with you every step of the way.,,

Much love and comforting thoughts---


tossing salads said...

baby brother, you dog you ;) i also will be thinking of you as my thoughts dont stray much from what you are doing. as always i see it constantly in the dear people i take care of. they as you are an inspiration to me. i will be strong and remember the lessons i have learned and continue to learn from warriors as yourself. much love and concern.