8.08.06, Breaking the Pot & Progressing

[a couple of additions through the day below...]
Atypical is the best word I could find to describe this morning. First off, I was making my ten-foot shuffle across my kitchen, through the door and to the left, reached the sink and coffee shrine only to realize the pot was gone. Gone! Ah, this is not serious. It's in the sink because I'd made a lot of ooloong tea last night and poured it into the coffee pot to cool off, get it off the stove, etc. So after rinsing it out and the first little conditioned pre-response of a taste bud rolling over in bed to stretch and think "Hmmm, I wonder if today is a Mexican dark roast or a medium-bodies breakfast blend.....," wonders my taste bud, then CRACK! My other body, the one I'm apparently not comfortable using swung the pot too close to my dish rack and just a hair too close to that outermost clean plate, glazed a deep sea blue and so innocent.

Fucker. The bottom edge just popped out, about 4 inches, when even 1 inch is too much. No coffee at home today. Alas. Sigh, wrinkly face...

I can't post a Franky Scale number yet because it's so early; and I promise I won't let the coffee pot incident affect the numbers I post eventually. It is worth noting that today I got up at 8 a.m., not a full 8 hours of sleep, which I am very strict about now that I'm in the Big Casino every day (I still have no name for this period, though three diligent commenters did respond with a few possible names.... more on that later), but I figured I can nap later. Most strange of all is that I felt no sluggishness, a side-effect, if that's what it is, that's become so serious I had actually been planning on writing a blog today about it! Like two hours of wading through wet cement most days. But it has slinked off somehow, somewhere, for some reason I can't explain. The morning sluggishness could be from numerous things, sleeping pills (but I haven't taken ambien for two weeks almost), from chemo side effects, from cumulative body stress, from not running as often when nausea gets the upper hand, from...?

Or, why not the sluggish feeling today? Approaching it from this side: was it that I hydrated a lot yesterday? that I took some new vitamins? that I drank the ooloong tea I mentioned? what? what? I'm working on it. (this is likely extremely boring for you, but it's what's up, and the P---- Dream was not very popular with readers it seems, that's very odd too, with all of you.)

I'll post more later when I can formulate an FS number, based on the complex secret formula I have, and keep today going in good old-fashioned blog fashion.

[9:31 am] — A thought returned to me about the Mr. Jones, Who Is post.... with the help of our recent birthday boy, and it was Mr. Jones in context. The ever important context. One of the key points of that song, which I was surprised to hear a few disses about for its "cheesy-ness," but that's another matter, is that even though we don't hear much about what Mr. Jones wants, it's always "Mr. Jones and me." It's the two of them, interacting, or maybe just sitting there in quiet dreaming and voyeurism (which we all enjoy, come on). It's Mr. Jones and me hanging out, going places, playing off each other. So, there's one to add to my usually misanthropic nature.

[7:56 pm] — So now I understand the extent of empathy, what brings real response from everyone: my penis falls off, only two comments (publicly at least) BUT my coffee pot breaks and the comments flood in. Or, "Dude, sorry to hear about your unit, but the coffee maker thing that really sucks. Oh, and the cancer." ;-)

On that note, it's been better today, Franky Scale 7 I would say, but then Frank posts a "20" which is on a totally different scale it sems, so I could push toward 8 for Frank's sake. And that despite the fact that I'm headed to Zion tomorrow. Mm. Thoughtful pause. All my love to family of course, and what would life be without all that "interesting" history there. As my memoir fleshes out, it's a thought-provoking process to see the sketch that begins to form, Utah, family, past, all is past I guess, pets, old houses, small apartments (at least a score of those), and a number of thousand-plateau moments that rise up in the flotsom of memory. That said, still need to pack.

Today was good in terms of food as well, some vitamins (though a limited amount so far while I'm still checking on the potential efficacy of the scad of vitamins, etc., that are recommended, and three meals even, large lunch and dinner. I'll be fat by, say, Saturday. It was also worth noting as I did briefly yesterday, that meeting with M.M., my high school friend, how good he thought I looked. If you haven't seen me I imagine there are stereotyped images that come to mind: very thin, worn out, hairless or scraggly patchy bits of hair that I'm hanging on to, etc. It's not vanity at this point, just a little personal reassurance I'm giving myself by what M. said. I figure if a friend feels almost incredulous about "my disease" based on externals, then that should translate back into something material or physiological, right? I have lost a few pounds, but only a few, the hair is still there, some muscle tone loss, but not too bad. I'm going to add that, then, to my last restaging and say it pushes my condition more toward "stable disease" and more away from "partially progressive." God damn the cancer, I say. (A phrase I suppose that works for the religious and the non-religious. For the Christians, remember, taking the lord's name in vain is to make a promise you don't follow through with, to commit to something and then abandon it or act in a half-assed manner. It's very unlikely that in the Bible people were worried about others running around stubbing their toes and exclaiming "By Zeus!" and such. So I think.)

Work-wise today was less productive but that was mostly due to errands, an impromptu meeting with my Chair, dealing with paperwork, and other "normal" life tasks. In that sense I should not complain, thus I go to 7, or 7/8 as you wish. Part of the rush is in preparation for Zion, my return to the holy city where palm fronds are being laid down in the streets as we .... ooh, sorry, that one might actually be blasphemous. (I have a portable lightning rod here somewhere, which I'll find and dust off just in case.) But I have ordered a donkey for my ride in. Many things to do in SLC, people to see, though one thing that keeps coming to mind is southern Utah for sunset. There's nowhere like it, either for reasons of nuclear testing back in that dark time or for some more natural reasons. The horizon is wide down there, the colors of the land a variety like music for someone who loves the desert. An unbelievable place. Almost worth saying it's inspirational.

Final image: breaking the coffee pot should, it seems, be considered like some kind of zen enlightenment moment; I can see some poets going there--Ko Un of course. You unthinkingly break the pot right when you're primed and ready for coffee, then, poof, bodhi! Nirvana! All cares suddenly dissipate. I might have taken that way too, but my schedule's been up'ed lateley with all this intense experience, so even though I don't talk much about it, enlightenment was about three or four weeks ago, I think. (This also allows me to go buy a new pot.)