Chemo begins at 10 A.M. today. When you read this I'll be lying on my little bed, with a book I probably won't be reading.
Chemo has taken on new meaning now — starting today, there are no more healing hopes involved, it's merely palliative (or at least that is the one hope that remains, how long will it keep the cancer slow, slow, slower?). Part of me thinks "we knew this," we did know this, didn't we; but did we really know this in our hearts? Did I know it? Did I believe it?
As long as you fight part of you must remain in ignorance.
It is also the 25th of July and I was told I have pancreatic cancer on the 21st of March, four solid months. Though of course it was more like the first of April when I was told the really good news: "It's metastacized." Three months, three and a half. That one exercise, where you sit down with a calendar, and a pen, or pencil preferably, and Really Figure Things Out. Never done that.
Also, today's post, humble though it is, is the 100th post the blog. Congratulations to your eyes for making it this long.
If I have a chance later on I'll post a Franky Scale number but no guarantees. Tuesday is always a strange beast, on which I might feel rather functional later on in the day, or simply not. Tuesday is a day with no promises.
[Posted after 10 pm: It's difficult to pull a reliable Franky Scale 3 out of, a hat, say, when you've been sleeping most of the day, but I'll just say about 5.3 for the hell of it. There is also some news about changing my chemotherapy regimen to another order of the same three drugs, as I mentioned in one of the posts on the seond restaging, to an order which holds some promise for "increased longevity", the euhpemism we're searching for now. More on that later, perhaps tomorrow. Thanks to all of you for continued reading and support.]
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7 comments:
A double strange beast, as you may recall, my friend.
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tempted to say, Only an idiot would post a comment after reading today's, but who isn't, comparatively speaking? Ignorant, pencil in hand... Four months, slightly less since April 1; 100th blog post. What is there to say, or to write? I look around, idiot spinning in a circle, mental pencil in hand at the keyboard, wishing you at the very least a bit more of a ration of 'rather functional later on in the day.' It's a quarter to, there, here, everywhere. No matter how illogical, impossible, still those healing hopes well up, that the chemo will, will keep the cancer slower, even as I realize I am merely retracing your words with my mind's eye, twisting them a little, to register what you write, wait for that next post, Franky Scale or whatever it may be there, we are here there too.
machine: mine eyes have surely been affected by chemotherapy, or my brain receptors from my eyes on the page, because i saw your comment asn believed you asked ot me "keep in mind the double-backed beast" and then, oh who knows where my thoughts whent? this one is merely doubly strange, a whole different kettle of fish, as they say.
-mr. j
Tuesday is a strange beast; mr. j...of those with two backs I cannot speak...but as you know, I am a big fan of "hope" and "rage"; you can draw from there...Regardless, slow is good, slow to a crawl is better, slow to undetectable movement is our goal...
Dearest Spacely: Not being sure what to see seems entirely apporpriate, in fact, right on the mark. This is very difficult sometimes so who knows what will help and what won't? In my mind, for someone to be befuddled, confused, or even nonplussed, those all see "good" for the circumstances. But, what's all this with "right" and "wrong" about comments posted? There's nothing "wrong" to say--though I suppose someone could cross a line and be very insensitive like the Neptune person did some time ago, or like dad did personally in his letter to me. You're not anywhere in that ballpark, though, so please don't feel like you'd be saying anything that's wrong. As long as you're trying to help and thinking about all who are intimately involed you can't go wrong. :) love, -Mr. J.
the weather is improving...i hope you will too. hesitating to comment lately, because i don't know what to say...other than, "be well; get rest" - you're confronting the "process" more so now and it must be...i can't imagine what it must be like. all i know is that i HATE it!! i want you to be here. i always thought you'd be here and i'm sure everyone, including you did. IT JUST SUCKS!!! i still can't understand how, why, HOW this happens...to you of all people. FUCKING SUCKS!
i wish for 1,000,000,000,000 blogs from you - happy 100th!!
i was with you yesterday. did you feel it? just wishin, hopin and a prayin. always in my mind. love you.
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