5.30.06, [Rant] Squeal Like a Pig!

[p.s. I did finish a more meditative piece on the weight of the human soul, and other characteristics of it--mildly entertaining--but it must wait]

I am fucking pissed off. I'm still working through this in another document and then I'll post, but I just wanted to give a heads up that it's on its way. Goddam financial ghouls in our world.

Franky Scale: 7, the FS is for physical feeling, so 7, and the IV chemo happens later today, in about two hours and that kind of gives me the illusion, or reality, of having most of a good day before the toxins are poured in through the port-o-cath. (Every time I see that word I think of an Irish bar. Maybe today I'll sit back in the bed or blue chemo chair and say "Nurse, I'd like your sampler of benzodiazepines and a double shot of Jameson 12-year. Just stick it right into my port-o-cath, thanks so much. And keep 'em coming.")

okay, hold on.... (going to write it all down...)

So I know at least one film-studies professor who reads this--or at least I think he reads it now and then--and I would expect him to know the allusion of today's title; even if you're not a film or cinema person, a lot of you should still get this (Think backwoods, think poet James Dickey's novel turned film...). So you'll guess from the start how happy I am about how today has gone. I've been on the phone all morning with various individuals trying to square away certain financial matters, and I have been jerked off the whole goddam morning. It's a good thing I do have a benzodiazepine or two around in order to take edge of this.

Another small comfort is that the newly discovered (well, last year, 6 months ago?) Coltrane CD One Down, On Up was just delivered to my door and I have that playing, cold comfort it feels, though, against the totalitarian / authoritarian (I think it's both the more I consider it) capitalist bullshit we live with. You can't even die without the bastards screwing you. Isn't there a legal-esque phrase? --Non carperendum illegitimus!. Something like that, my Latin's rusty but goddam right, I say.

It begins with Chase, a credit card account that very fortunately now has a zero balance--though it took me just about, what, 15 years to get it there--and new charges that are marring my "Zero." Some bullshit promotion that I took for one month then called to discontinue--my stupidity I suppose and I should have known they would keep charging me; however, what surprised me was that Chase refused to do anything about the charges, even when I tell them I didn't ask for it, it's not my service, they're charging me against my will, and pathetically so on. All I can do is call this third party (who, btw, works under Chase!) But, that's small potatoes compared to my employer.

All academics who read this post nota bene: especially those of you who work at a certain large research university in the greater Seattle area should be interested in this. I call one of my 403b accounts / companies ("403b" is the nonprofit equivalent of "401k" for people who work in the private sector), it's retirement, "I'm gonna die" I tell them, and "I'd like to check on how I can withdraw my money and possibly avoid penalties. My situation, you know, is kind of special," I say. I expect to hear, "Well, I'm sorry you're gonna die but you still gotta pay the penalties"--kind of inhumane but look at the System. (And go watch the 1975 film Rollerball, seriously.) Yeah, my dialog is stupid and awkward but have you ever done this before? I don't know what to say. So Sam from Fidelity is nice enough but he informs me "Your employer has set it up so that you cannot withdraw a penny unless you x-fer it when you switch employers or you retire." So we go through this Abbot and Costello routine where I keep explaining, "No, no, no. You see it's a hardship thing, terminal illness, blah blah blah." You know, who's on first? but with money rules. In short, "nada, nada, nada, not a damn thing," if I can quote Q-Tip.

Later. Speaking with a "Specialist" at X University where I am "employed," they fucking confirm this! Your retirement money, "your" money all of my friends out there, you can have it only (1) at retirement, (2) at quitting, sort of, (3) at your fucking death--not right before, but they'll release it in their kindness once/when/after you die. This is a tremendous help to me, with no dependents--Gee thanks, folks. You know what else, my colleagues? You cannot ever stop your contributions once you enroll--should you decide there are more pressing issues in your life, you find yourself cash poor for a few months, you truly do experience hardship and need to stop putting aside 7.5 percent (or whatever your rate is), well, I believe the official university line is: "Squeal like a pig!" Apparently there is no "hardship" at University of X. It makes me feel rather warm and fuzzy inside--I've got a job where there is no hardship, had I known I would have enjoyed it so much more blissfully till now. Ahh.

Let's continue. Not only does this mean that I've been wrong and naive when I've bragged about my retirement plan "It's great, they match 100% of my contribution up to 7.5 percent of salary, AND it's immediately vested, it's mine!" Slight correction, so I've learned, which is that not only is the "immediate vestment" a complete crock of shit--i.e. a prevarication, a flat out lie--but even the money you yourself, I myself, invest does not belong to you for 30 years or whatever until you retire. Sure it's a "retirement" plan, but they take the money and you have ZERO access, not even *with* penalties; their matching contributions *and* your own share. AND YOU CAN'T WITHDRAW from contributing. It's a total racket. This racket defines non-liquidity. In my very pissed off opinion it also defines unfair, unreasonable, authoritarian, and just goddam hurtful. I do not need to be catered to in this Life Situation, but yeah, I could be thrown a bone on this one. I could spit I'm so incensed.

I am also not a financial genius and would love to learn that I've missed something crucial here, that there is a way around it, that there is in fact a humanizing solution to this. Granted there are one or two options related to viaticals and life insurance but I've asked and asked and talked to the people "who know." I feel like I should go read Kafka again for some insight, but I just reread all of Kafka a few weeks ago. No use. OK. I don't know if I feel any better after my little rant but it is what it is, or as they say after most tragic situations on The Sopranos: "What 're you gonna do?"