Sunday, November 18, 2007

THE AFTERMATH Holidays without Scott and Mom

AUTUMN, 2007

Saturday, November 10th 2007

I still can’t imagine my life without my brother and Mom being an
every day part of it. I know it is real, as real as it has been,
for the last eleven months. The knot in the pitt of
my stomach is a constant reminder.

It has been almost a year since Scott passed away.
I guess for the most part, I am doing ok; functioning, getting up in the morning
going about, and doing, what appears to be my life.
Yet, there are times when the "two-by-four" feeling and thud, strikes
me with a blow and force, that knocks me down on my
emotional ass. I stay there for a while and think and wonder...
The shock and emptiness of it all. The harsh, tragic realities that happen,
in this thing we call life.

As much as I sit here, stagnating, thinking and wondering,
I already know what they want me to do.
Stand up, shake myself off,
and get on with things; my life. LIVING.
That is what Scott asked of and wished for me,
mere hours before he died.
Not distracting myself from the pain and emptiness I feel-
but how to live and carry on inspite of it.

Scott believed that distraction is an activity that averts
our eyes from seeing what is really happening, all that is REAL.
Yes, I am a grieving sister and daughter, yes, the loss of my brother and mom
will follow me wherever I go.
I won’t distract myself from the pain that surrounds me.
I will follow their lead-
and LIVE.
Enjoy and be grateful, for all that I have.
The family and friends I have been
so richly blessed with.
Grateful for those who love and care for my brother and Mom.

Be grateful for even the mundane.
They were.

loves and hugs.
I, we, all miss you so very much.




Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting the pictures...I miss Scott and think of him often. He was my teacher and friend; and I will always remember his invaluable advice and kind heart. He is and will be remembered and cherished...

I miss my Sonsaengnim -

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of both Scott and your mom.

I had Scott as a TF at Harvard. He was such a lively and involved educator. I'm sad that more students will not have the chance to see how passionate he was about Korean culture and literature. He was an inspiration.

God bless you and your family.