Tuesday, June 06, 2006

6-6-6, Numerology & Satan

(P.S. I've noticed there's someone (or one portal / ISP) from Portugal who comes to the blog every now and again; not sure who it is, but just to make the world slightly smaller I thought you might like to know I've been going back into my Spinoza lately, and trying to find some additional material on his life, in relation to another little project I have going on the side. Part of which concerns excommunication, and by some weird coincidence, if I remember correctly, I was excommunicated at the same age as Mr. Spinoza--though apparently my "evil acts" were not quite so noble. -Mr. J)

OK sorry, there's really nothing about Satan in here. But with the date and all, you'd expect it, right? And just like the prurience so many demonstrate by your interest in working wood or wood scales, I know there's also a slightly evil side, a kind of play-with-fire aspect hidden or not so hidden in you. That's why I love you.

For numerology, I'll post a Franky Scale number of 8. Good overall, yes; but I have to be honest it's slightly unsettling to me. I can't help but think of the calm before the storm idea, and of course there is Saturday next with more chemo drugs to stuffed into my cakehole. On this auspicious date, at least, it's going well.

I have to enjoy my life today especially for another reason — tomorrow I'm going to Utah! God help me ;-)

(Does anyone know how to make a little keyboard smiley face with the sign of the beast on it?)


piss & moan said...

hellooooo prof!
not that you asked, but i just caught up with your blogs after not having access for over a week. :( it took that long to move over here to the eastside. barf.
of course, you are going to Utah where i can't quite pester you, (ha ha), but when do you come back? who won the contest? still going? i still want my prize for being the first entry ;)

tossing salads said...

hmmm. its nice to read the blog and find out that your coming here. im so glad that you are. it will be delightful. what with the fucking heat that were experiencing and all. the beauty of zion. ;) matt will be back from newport on saturday. so hell ba able to see you also. ive been missing you brother.

david said...



Slarry said...

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where
But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go

His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he to bear
We'll get there

For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on the way to there
Why not share

And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy he's my brother

He's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

My brother is on his way home tomorrow. a home away from his home in Seattle. In Seattle, he has two comforting cats, a plethora of supporting, kind and wise friends, a valued Job as a Professor and
a list of responsibilities, that I can barely bear the thought of attempting to entertain or try and do.

He has a full and inviting life-- some might call it ideal, due to the added fact that there in an IKEA Store only minutes from his home, Trader Joe's to buy delicious yet reasonably priced food and wine less than a block away, and more places in one square block, that serve up and deliver a really, really great cup of coffee, then of all the coffee joints in all of Salt Lake combined. I’m talking about that perfect cup-- brimming with flavor that dazzles your taste buds and buzzes your mind. He is a well respected and well loved man by many, especially for those he allows into his sincere, honest and creative world.
He has allowed me glimpses, a little peek here and there, and it is thrilling. What a pleasure.

So, what’s not to be happy about? Why the HE’S NOT HEAVY, heavy song at the beginning of this little aphorism about my brother’s life?

Because it is only part of his story and now, part of mine. He has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer; iresectable, incurable, terminal. This is tragic news; a tragic reality, that I am having difficulty coping with, sometimes even believing. He is so strong, so healthy and has lived such a healthy life. So, it is difficult not to be totally enraged, or feel completely robbed of my brothers meaning and definition in my life. He shouldn’t have to go-- he should stay and linger.

So, I remain enraged, paralyzed, frightened and scared. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this hollow, empty, dark and gapping hole. A hole that is suffocating and ominous. I often can’t get myself out of it. He can pull me free, though. No one can hear me speak or cry-- most people don’t even notice what is even happening to me. So, my question is, if I feel so alone, cut off, even ostracized- what must my brother be feeling? I am talking about some of my closest friends abandoning me, ignoring me, withdrawing from me, when I need them the most. Feeling so alone, that I sometimes struggle to even catch a breath. So, yes, another question arises, why would a so called friend or loved one do that, especially during a time when I am facing the ever impending loss of my brother? I know, some of it is fear; fear of saying or doing anything that might cause any additional pain or discomfort. This explanation cannot be its entirety-- there has got to be more.

But back to my brother-- my loyal sibling, my heart. I don’t want him worrying about me.
Yet as the song goes, and what I want him to know before he returns to his home here in Zion,
is how much he is loved. He could never be HEAVY or cumbersome. He is light and life to me.
So, I will love him and appreciate him all the more and take solace in the fact that I could brush shoulders with him, find and discover him, upon this crowded earth.

So, come to Zion, Monkey Boy-- only mole and suisas await you. And I will forever be grateful you came to see your family and get your Mormon fix.



How about a nice game of Scrabble? : )